So I haven't posted on here in literally months so i will use this as my whatever moment. Life sucks right now - it is hard trying to be yourself when you really aren't anymore. Sometimes you think you can go back to this girl that you used to be, not the woman you have to be. At that point in time you realize what you have to become and that is the person you are loathing the most at some points- an adult. No one really wants to grow up, they force themselves to.
   At this point in time i am making myself realize things i don't want to about myself. How i over react to different situations, how i am too stubborn, and how i need to realize when someone or something isn't positive in my life anymore. And that is the hardest thing, criticizing yourself because no one wants to look at themselves as the problem. Granted, you cant blame everything on yourself (unless it truly is yours, and only your fault) but you still need to know when to "man-up" as a phrase so many bright and shinning youth of America use and face the facts that you yourself are not perfect.
   There is no problem with feeling like the victim, especially if you seem to be hurting the most out of a situation. And even if you do take partial blame and apologize it is ok to feel bad and betrayed, but realize this - that God, in all his glory- has it all worked out for you. I know, another rely on God speech from me - but here is the thing, i cant even say that i am trusting God right now. I know, He is the only one who hasn't let me down in the past years, but i just figure if i write it enough i will believe it myself. I feel like i should handle all my problems on my own, because i should be happy with life - i should be super duper happy that i have a family that loves me, friends that have been here for the past how many months when all i have done is cry on their shoulder (p.s. thanks again guys for that.) But i just know there is more to life than what i have been doing, and i know there is more than boys, parties, school, and God. But, to be honest, I have centralized God because i feel like he has left me out here treading on my own with no life jacket. But its just a thought.
   
So to conclude this obnoxiously long blog, With Ann getting married (Ann caza now people! Not chilko!!) and me just seeing her bright as day standing on that alter so in love with her man, and me standing next to her realizing that i don't have anything close to someone or something that brings that kinda joy into my life. . . . i realize that i need to let it find me. I have been searching for happiness. . . true happiness but then i realized the times that i was most happy is when it found me. So, my newest attempt will be to just chill for a bit- back off and let it find me. Patience - boo to it, but i need it.

I don't know - i just don't know. . . .

I like someone. Granted i love another, but i love someone. His name is Mike. He is from madison. He is a beautiful black man who is much of what i am looking for. I am seeing if he has everything still though.
  But i still love another. Stupid Whipple. No one likes him anyway . . . well actually they do and that makes me mad!! I want to hate him but i cant. I love him but i dont like him. Makes sense right?

Yes - i love travis. I really do. So how can I be thinking about the baseball players on the express. Ian Hollick said "hey" to me and told the other guys that I was cute and he wants to hang out sometime. Then, I had to inform the rest of the players that I am dating someone and that let them all down. kinda let me down too. Not that I mind dating travis - i really do love dating someone. But gosh damnit i could have so many f-in dates right now. Fuckin A. I mean, these guys are fuckin HOTT!!!! Especially Ian. Boy got looks and God blessed him. I feel aweful. Travis loves me, and I love him but here I am going on about this other guy. DO you think this is God telling me that Travis isnt the one?? Cause I really think he is and that we would make an awesome married couple. For gosh sakes we talk about it all the time. We start out by saying "when we get married . . ." Which wasnt a problem until I was told that I am a hotty and guys want me more than I knew. Crap. What the hell is my problem. I am happy with travis - i am jsut horny I think since I havent gotten any in about 3 weeks. Next time I see him it will be a month since then. Crap crap crap!!!!
   I am not going to cheat on travis it is just temptation is there to flirt hard core, wink, and lead them on. But they all know that I am taken now - so it is officially just chit chat harmless flirting. Nothing wrong with that right??

I have no idea how long it has been since I have chatted on here so i may just ramble.
    Travis is amazing! He is the most handsome, hot, fine, kick ass guy ever. He is remarkable, listens amazingly and is all together a sweet person whom I love.
   Summer is going alright. Work starts tomorrow. Yippie for cash!!

So how long does it take someone to truly fall in love? Not the puppy love lust shit but full out kick ass love? The love that when you look at this person you go - damn i could marry him. Or the I can picture myself waking up to you when we are 90 years old. I wonder this cause i think i am falling in love with Travis. I look at him and melt knowing he is mine. My heart leaps for joy when he holds me and stares into my eyes. I seriously get tears in my eyes everytime he leaves and i just feel heavy ladden when i dont get to see him until night. Sure there is the typical love and first sight shit but this is more. Ever since we first kissed i knew God was there - ever present and ever going. When a guy says 'i'll pray for you to feel better" or "lets pray about it" you know that he isnt the typical pick up line type of guy. I just feel like this could be it. This could be the one that stays around for a long while. Which makes me think . . . . DAMN! COLLEGE DATING IS HARD! I mean it gets so serious so fast!
   But i just wanted to let the world know - I think i am falling in LOVE!